Reflect

So much has happened this year.  As I reflect on 2013, though we are no way close to December 31 in our little world-days can be extremely laborious at times and you can't predict tomorrow, I am sometimes shocked at the changes.  Other times it seems like we were just here, getting ready for the holidays.  You know what they say, "The days are long, but the weeks fly by".

I have not been writing, due to the chaos of life at the moment.  Those moments seem to merge into months.  The multiple hospital visits, all over the country took up the majority of the middle part of the year.  Cole has been in an ever downward spiral, despite the multiple new treatments we have tried this year and the new perspectives we have sought out from specialists.  In April when we went on Make A Wish, the most tonic-clonics he had ever had in one day was 6.  On Thursday, he had 63.  Friday he had 49.  We even considered moving across the country, again, to get Cole more assistance.  Add to that my own health issues-going bald, having a lupus diagnosis, retracting that and thinking maybe cancer, finding out that it was just Fibromyalgia.  Discovering that my osteoarthritis is so severe I could be a candidate for double knee replacements.  Lots of tests and shots and then the capstone of finding out I need hearing aids.  What's next?  A walker?  However, through the trials of this year I think that I have gained some sense of coping.  I really liked Victor Frankl's book Man's Search For Meaning and I agree when he says, "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."  Unfortunately, when it comes to health issues you really can not change a lot.  You can eat right, exercise, etc. but when you are dealing with faulty genetics there is not a lot you can do to change the final result.  So back to changing yourself.  The only real thing that I could change over the last year is my attitude.

I think of last year at this time.  We were giving Cole huge doses of Rocephin shots, because 3 big seizures in one day was just too much.  We were exhausted emotionally and physically.  We were so depressed, that we did not even decorate our Christmas tree.  My marriage was on the verge of collapse-see, even people who seem like they have it all together, don't have it all together.  There was just an overall feeling of overwhelming doom.  Now, in between the bouts of sadness we still found ways to laugh.  You will never find this house devoid of laughter as long as Cole is around.

Our circumstances have not changed, they have only gotten worse in many instances.  Yet, there is a new strength that is developing in all of us.  Sometimes when you have to work so hard to find the good times, it really makes you appreciate them.