Fear

It is amazing what fear can do to a person. It has caused some to have super-human strength and lift cars, or fight cancer. It has caused others to wither and withdraw. I think we have all learned something from fear.

Like the example that I could not go out in the dark on our rural farm to take the garbage out, even when I was a teenager, without major anxiety and running involved. I was afraid and certain that the juvenile delinquents from the nearby Ranch/detention center were hiding in our large pine trees, waiting to attack me. How funny is it that I ended up working with kids that were even worse off behaviorally than the ones I was afraid of for all of those years? We all have little things that end up being big things, because of fear in some way or another. I am no longer afraid that some teenage boy is going to attack me. I have enough self-defense skills from my jobs to be certain that I can restrain them. Things that keep me nervous or awake at night now are things that are totally different than the things that did fifteen years ago. Some are the same.

Like walking into a crowded store by myself, searching for the exit, and wondering if I have a seizure, who will help me? That particular anxiety ebbs and flows. Exercise shouldn't be scary. It sure is for me. Wonder why I never exercise? It's mainly due to fear. Fear that my body won't (and has not in the past) handle it well. I won't go to the gym without my sister or someone I know. So, congratulations 24 Hour Fitness....you have totally been making money off of me!!!

I think I have had a healthy dose of fear this weekend.

Cole had a long seizure on Saturday that was a combination of three different kinds of seizures. This one has really affected him. Thankfully, he stopped seizing before the paramedics arrived so we did not have to go to the hospital. However, he has been really delayed with his speech and language skills. He hardly spoke for the remainder of Saturday and struggled on Sunday. I would ask him a question and he would try to get the answer out and it would just present as babble. Each day has been better, but he is still not talking as much and has forgotten quite a few things he knew before. He can't find things when I ask him and say words that I know he knows how to say. His speech therapist told me that she could really tell a difference from last week to this week, so I know it is not all in my head. It has really scared me.

Let's just say I haven't been sleeping much. Add that to Brian being gone almost all of last week, and I have only been averaging a couple of hours of sleep a night for the last 10 days. Not good for me. Not good for Cole. Unfortunately, I can not take any kind of medication to help aid the process, or I will have a seizure. Nothing is worth that. So I just get to be alone with my thoughts and have even crazier dreams than normal (and my normal is pretty, freaking crazy). Lots of prayer, lots of thinking about positive things. I am really ready to go back to Hawaii it seems, because that is what I keep thinking about in the night. I have planned one awesome trip! Too bad we can't go anywhere for an undetermined amount of time :)

Everyone has fear and anxiety in one way or another. It is a natural instinct, designed to protect us. Why don't we go down a dark alley that has a person looming at the end? Good fear. Protective anxiety. My anxiety has been better over the last couple of months. I do not have nightmares where I wake up screaming or jump out of my bed anymore. I know that fear is real and that we have to acknowledge it. Sometimes we as a society are taught that it is bad to be afraid, that we should be superhuman. We suppress uncomfortable feelings and it ends up affecting us in the long run. Sometimes it comes out in our dreams. I think that as long as it is controlled, you can learn from fear. It takes looking inside of yourself and getting to the root of why you are afraid.

I am afraid for Cole's safety. I am afraid that Cole might have Dravet Syndrome. This new diet scares me. I am afraid that my body might give out. I am afraid of a lot of things, but I also balance that out with what I am glad for, or have no uncertainty about. I am certain that Brian loves Cole and I. I am certain that hot baths can help anyone :) I am certain that I was pre-destined to be Cole's mother and that I need him as much as he needs me. I am certain that with faith, everything will turn out the way it is supposed to. I am certain that I am supposed to learn things from my experiences and from others. This is the main reason for this blog. To express myself, but also teach others. It takes skills and positive thinking to get through something scary. For me; lots of positive re-enforcement and visualization. If I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing, I turn to my clock and its glow reminds me that I am in my bed, safe and sound.

It's okay to be afraid. Just don't let it consume you. If it is affecting your life to the point that it interrupts your daily routines, talk to someone about it. There are probably things you can do to help, you just don't know about it.