I Forget

My mind hasn't been the trap it used to be. I still have a bunch of random facts floating around in there. Like how Arctic Char is a cross between salmon and trout and what job my old college roommates' sister used to have. Yet, I can not remember the measurements to "Cheese and Melon", a recipe that Cole asks me to make almost every day. I could blame it on lack of sleep, seizures, or being a mom - my mind never came back after pregnancy. I used to be able to stand and give a wicked presentation full of facts and information. Now I am lucky if I remember everything I wanted to talk to a doctor about...and that's when I bring my little book full of notes I have been making for weeks! I even went out into public a couple of months ago...without my bra. I did not notice for hours. My friend who was with me reassured me that it did not make a difference ;) Good thing I was wearing a cardigan.

I forget other things too. I forget that I like pumpkin ice cream so much. I forget that I like things that sparkle. I am a sucker for beaded anything. I think that is why I like watching Divine Design so much. Crystal chandelier in the bathroom? Yes, Candace-please!!! I like things to be clean - I don't forget that, just ask Brian. I apparently forgot to clean one of my toilets for the past few weeks. It is one that we rarely use because it makes a lot of noise when you flush-I went to clean it yesterday and it had a pink ring around it. Apparently, I skipped that one the last time I was doing my weekly cleaning. Whoops! Each time I stand by the ocean, I remember that I have some sort of instinctive pull to it. Yet, I forget once I get back to my home in the mountains. I forget to nurture my spiritual self. I don't forget that I love to cook and entertain, I just don't do it anymore. I forget that I like to be creative. I don't scrapbook, draw, paint, or craft; but I like to complete something, sit back and say, "I did that!".

Brian forgets that he loves to run. He forgets that he likes music. He listens to so much NPR that you would never guess that he was known in a previous life as DJ Powerhouse. I doubt that he will ever forget that he is a Ute fan. He forgets to take time for himself. He forgets to hang out with friends. He even forgets what is like to be alone with me. We were walking down the street the other day, without Cole, and he was freaking out-not letting himself enjoy it.

Sometimes we forget what it is like to be "normal". People sit down at restaurants? You mean, you don't drop $180 for Versed on a regular basis? What would it be like to go to the grocery store...during the day, and not at 10:00 pm? Our conversations can be awkward and revolve around terms like tonic-clonic and dysautonomia. We forget that the majority of people have never heard of these terms, and really don't want to know. We just can't help ourselves. It's our life.

So, if you are acquainted with our "before" selves, we're sorry that we have forgotten how to be good friends. We're sorry that we have forgotten how to attend special events, send thank-you cards, show up with a meal if you've had a baby, or a bunch of other little things along the way. Sometimes, it's all we can do to remember to give Cole his medicine and make it through the day. You, however, are not forgotten - though it may seem that way sometimes.