A Mess

This is how the house looks when Mommy is sick.
Mommy has been sick for a week and a half. Good thing we rarely have company ;)

I've been a wreck this last week. Not only have I been sick, I've just been down. I could blame the illness, but I think it's the time of year. The holidays used to be something to look forward to. Something to anticipate. I think that I have started to fear them. Halloween turned out okay, but it is the least involved of the holidays in our family. Usually, this time of year, I start to get the itch to cook and bake up a storm and test recipes for the upcoming get-togethers. Now, cooking with Cole around is a nightmare because you have to constantly be watching him to make sure he doesn't sneak food. Plus, if you are chopping, stirring and dicing, you are not watching him for seizures. He wants to be involved, since he loves to model cooking so much, and the entire kitchen gets turned upside down. At the end, no one can really share in my creation. Brian hates all holiday flavors: eggnog, pumpkin, peppermint, nutmeg etc (we call him Scrooge); we think it's stemming from a bad childhood experience because he can't explain why. Cris has become gluten, lactose and egg intolerant; for a pastry chef it is hellish. I don't have dinner parties anymore, and we don't get invited anywhere. I can't get out to give neighbors and friends treats. An entire pumpkin roll for one person? Doesn't make a lot of sense.

We are not going anywhere for Thanksgiving. My side of the family will be in Idaho and though I long to be with my grandparents and extended family, it's just not possible. There is not an adequate hospital, it would be a long drive, and there are going to be a lot of people around. Plus, Cole could not have any of the food and we would have to try and make room for his stuff amongst the holiday feast. If there is one thing my family knows how to do, it's eat. I might send Brian to his aunt's house for dinner, but after last year, we know that Cole can't go to the celebration. Too many people. His mom will be coming the week after, so we will get to spend some time with his side later.

Christmas is supposed to be at my parents. I don't even know if we can go. I am planning on it, but things always seem to have to be left to last minute decisions. How is Cole feeling? Has anyone been sick recently? Not cool, for someone who likes to plan and organize. He is at such a fun stage where he loves snow, wants to look for Santa in the sky and would totally love being around his cousins. Why can't I give this to him?! It just makes me kind of depressed. Obviously money is tight and I love to spoil my boys. I've said it before - why does Brian have all major gift giving events in a 10 day period? Birthday, Christmas and anniversary. Spread it out a little! ;) Makes it hard to be frugal. He deserves to have a huge celebration, but most likely it will be low-key...just like him.

The Continuing Resolution is wearing on both of us. We looked up the Blue Cross Blue Shield Federal plan and all of the specialists we want to take Cole to are in-network. We got so excited, and then disappointment set in. In reality, could we really lose the job after waiting this long? Seems so. Thanks politics. So, we are starting to think of plan B, C, and D. How do we get the right insurance, now, for Cole. The school evaluation did not go well, more on that later. We also made an appointment to go and get Cole a g-tube. I feel so helpless. Lots of tears, but knowing that everything will work out.

So if you talk to me and I seem a little grouchy, I'm sorry. My inside looks kind of like the outside. A little messy.