Torn

I am sitting here next to Cole, who is twitching like the worms from Mexican jumping beans have been implanted in his body.

I am trying to be excited, but not too excited for my upcoming trip, which is going to somewhat resemble a dine and dash. One minute I am SO excited to take a break from our reality. The next minute, the thought of it just really brings our reality home. Part of me wants to pack my suitcase, days early, and just hightail it out of here for a little while. The other part wants to just stay home with my boys, because if they can't come then I don't want to go; it's just not fair. Cole is so unstable right now, it's just not realistic to travel with him. No one ever said life was fair.

I am trying to get to a place emotionally where I can just be okay with everything. I may not like a situation, but I can't mourn what I can not control. So, I have to leave my boys behind for a significant family event. I'm not going to pretend that it's not hard, but I have to focus on the good things. First, I get to witness my baby sister marry her high school sweetheart. If you haven't checked out her beautiful dress and dazzling smile, take a peek here. Yep, that's my sister...just one of them. They are all pretty much hot stuff. I get to see my extended family all at once and also be there for my grandpa's 80th birthday. I have a huge family. There are 32 cousins on one side and 19 on the other...first cousins. I got to grow up with the majority of them, in the same place. However, with such large numbers the only time I ever get to see all of them is at a celebration like this. I get to re-connect with my hometown and just revel in its small town-ness (is that a word?). I get to hold babies, eat good food and be awed over and over again with my grandparents yard (it's like temple square). :)

I am so excited that I get to hug Erin and Cristina! Two people that ground me, for completely different reasons. Sometimes there are people in your life who you feel instantly connected to their spirit. Other times, best friends come out of the most unlikely combinations. I love these two and miss them every single day. I'm so sad that I'll probably have an hour with each of them, but I most likely won't be able to see them for at least another year...so I'm going to enjoy every second.

There is a lot of good that is going to happen in a few short days. It is going to involve a lot of driving, flying and possibly sleeping on the floor. Events in two states, parties large and small. A whirlwind of go here, go there, drive here, party there. I'm just going to put a picture of my little man and my big man in my pocket and possibly pretend that they are right there with me. I guess the biggest obstacle will be to stop wishing that I could be in two places at once. Is this the wrong time to try self tanner?